I miss my friends…

In the depths of winter, I usually miss sunshine, summer dresses, and sandals. This year, I can add friends and socializing to this list. I have made a conscious effort through these social distancing months to keep up my friendships and adapt my “normal” socializing to our “new normal,” but my best efforts have gone to the wayside thanks to frigid temperatures. 

Case in point 1: Book Club. This evolved from being in person monthly (for the last 6+ years) to becoming Zoom book club for a couple of months (not great) to evolving to outdoor Book Club (lovely in warmer weather), to no Book Club (it’s too cold). 

Case in point 2: Cocktails and dinners with friends. By the end of last April, Zoom happy hours stopped being fun for me. While outdoor dining and patio cocktailing were the highlight of my summer, I now think of them as an opportunity to “après ski in the city.” Not all of my BFFs are up for this type of frigid entertainment, and even for the bravest, outdoor dining means meals are shorter, and there is no lingering at the bar for four hours. 

I miss my close friends. 

I also miss those friends with whom I have “weak ties,” as explained by Amanda Mull in this recent article in The Atlantic.

I miss Lori, the American Airlines gate agent at the New Orleans airport, with whom I am on a first name basis and who gives the best hugs. I miss Bernard, the bartender and master entertainer at Thunder Burger, whose mimosas are my favorite (a dash of Triple Sec is his secret ingredient). I miss my Sunday football watching friends Liz (Patriots) and Mike (Bills), and Stacy (Eagles) and Jeremy (Steelers). I miss Andy who always greeted me with a huge smile when I walked in to the SoulCycle studio. I only know them by their first names, and I miss them dearly. 

Mull explains this well: “The psychological effects of losing all but our closest ties can be profound. Peripheral connections tether us to the world at large; without them, people sink into the compounding sameness of closed networks. Regular interaction with people outside our inner circle “just makes us feel more like part of a community, or part of something bigger,” Gillian Sandstrom, a social psychologist at the University of Essex, told me. People on the peripheries of our lives introduce us to new ideas, new information, new opportunities, and other new people. If variety is the spice of life, these relationships are the conduit for it.”

As we hopefully return to bars, restaurants, gyms, airports, and each other’s houses over the coming months, I will never take moments with friends, close or not, for granted again. To end on Mull’s words: “As we begin to add people back into our lives, we’ll now know what it’s like to be without them.”

My 2020 Reading List

2020 was not kind on my reading. I remember when confinement began in March, I thought, “this will give me so much more time to read, it will be amazing.” Not so. My brain was so overwhelmed by COVID-19, by not going out of business, by BLM and social unrest, I had less mental space to read. 

Here is my reading list – 30 books in 2020, in the order I read them. It says a lot about what happened over the last 12 months! 

American Chica by Marie Arana. This was for Book Club, and the author came. One of the best books I read, in particular being from “two countries” myself.  

Nine Lies About Work by Marcus Buckingham. I heard him speak at a conference in 2019, and this was my follow-up homework. 

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. Because we should all read this once. 

The 71/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton. Also for Book Club. First fiction book of 2020, filled with twists and unexcepted turn of events. 

The Disruptors’ Feast by Fits Van Paaschen. A challenging read, but super interesting.  

Free, Melania by Kate Bennett. Last indoor Book Club. I love Kate Bennett, and her book is both informative and entertaining. 

The Only Place in the Sky by Garrett Graff. My #1 book of 2020. I started it early March, and finished it early April. I remember reading it during the first few weeks of the pandemic wondering if this timing was opportune or not… 

Those Who Are Loved by Victoria Hislop. Second fiction book… and lots more fiction to follow. My brain needed to travel and Victoria Hislop knows how to transport her readers to Greece! 

Carte Postales From Greece by Victoria Hislop. Because I couldn’t get enough. 

Writers & Lovers by Lily King. Virtual book club with a book everyone was talking about. 

And They Called it Camelot by Stephanie Marie Thornton. Because I needed to travel to an era of political elegance. Enough said. 

A Hundred Suns by Karin Tanabe. I call Karin a friend, and love all of her books and she has been a guest at our Book Club for all of them; this was our first outdoor book club and it was amazing. 

White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo. Well, because I needed to read it. 

Desperate in DC by Phoebe Thompson and Crystal Walker. A super interesting exercise in collaborative writing, using social media as the primary form of communication.

The Guest List by Lucy Foley. A great thriller for a fast read and an immediate escape. 

Between The World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates. More racism education for me. Beautifully written, brought me to tears. 

The Culture Code by Cloraire Rapaille. Because this had been on my “to read” pile for years. Hard to get into, but oh so insightful. 

The Hunting Party by Lucy Foley. More escape by the same author as The Guest List. 

L’Énigme de la Chambre 622 by Joel Dicker. A gift from my godmother, who gifts me two books in French per year to make sure I don’t entirely forget my mother tongue. I loved it!

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Cry by Mary Higgins Clark. The ultimate guilty pleasure (I have read every single one of her books). 

The Island by Veronica Hislop. Here we go again. 

The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett. Set in Louisiana, and very much about race. 

Tiny Hot Dogs by Mary Giuliani. Another favorite of 2020, this memoir is filled with humor, entrepreneurial insights, and delicious-sounding recipes. 

Bluff by Jane Stanton Hitchcock. Jane is a neighbor in Georgetown and attended Book Club for her book Mortal Friends oh so long ago. I want to be like her when I grow up, and I adore all her books. 

The Grace Kelly Dress by Brenda Janowitz. I saw this book on Instagram… a beautiful story spanning three generations, and an easy read. 

The Power of Ritual by Casper Ter Kuile. Seth Mattison recommended this book during one of his talks. And in general, I try to do what Seth Mattison says I should do. 

Living the Sutras by Kelly DiNardo. Kelly gifted me this book the day she invited me to a yoga class at her studio… it is filled with wisdom and advice. Reading this was almost like meditating. 

Atomic Habits by James Clear. I read this book as 2020 was coming to a close, with the goal of refreshing and relooking at my habits, including some habits acquired during 2020 which I did not want to bring in to the New Year. Very powerful book. 

Start with Why by Simon Sinek. I had started this book years ago, but could never get into it. I still could not, but I forced myself to read it. Now I can say I read it (and did not really enjoy it). 

La Femme Révélée by Gaelle Nohant. The second 2020 book in French from my godmother. Set in Paris and Chicago, this book ends during the 1968 race riots in the Windy City. Surprisingly good and relevant to what is happening today in our country. 

How to do Nothing by Jenny Odell. Recommended by my super smart friend Marc Ross, creator of Brigadoon. This book was not what I imagined it would be, is a bit more “manifesto-y” than I like. As all books recommended by Marc, this one stretched me out of my comfort zone…  

Recommitting to Reading

This is week 42 of year 2020, yet I am only on my 23rd book… While I usually read an average of one book every week or ten days, I have had a harder time reading over the last couple of months. This may have to do with the fact that I fell into the black hole of Mankell’s Kurt Wallander series (the original version, in Swedish, based on the amazing crime novels by Henning Mankell). Or it may have to do with the fact that my brain is so tired from dealing with our current reality that it has no bandwidth for reading.  

Regardless of why, I am recommitting to reading. And I have lots of books I am really excited to get in to. 

This week, I am reading Bluff by Jane Stanton Hitchcock. I met Jane a few years ago, when she attended book club in Georgetown for her book Mortal Friends (still one of my favorites from book club), and she fascinates me – for many reasons including the fact that she is a professional poker player (and yes, Bluff features a female poker player…). 

Then, I will read the following (in which order I don’t yet know). 

Richard Branson: Losing my Virginity. This book has been traveling with me between DC, Hammond, Geneva, and Tinos for the last six months. It may be the best travelled book I own… 

Kelly DiNardo: Living the Sutras. Kelly gifted me this book over a year ago after she invited me to her studio Past Tense to attend a yoga class. And boy do I need more yoga and more calm in my life… 

Victoria Hislop: three more books because I love her writing that much and need to travel in my head… preferably back to Greece. The Last Dance (a collection of ten short stories set in Athens and various Greek villages), The Thread (set in Thessaloniki in northern Greece), and The Sunrise (set in Cyprus… I am really venturing out of my comfort zone with this one!).

Brenda Janowitz: The Grace Kelly Dress. Because I need a “summer read” even though we are technically in fall. (Note: this is not in the photo because it is on its way to me from Amazon even though I promised myself not to buy any new books until I had read all others…). 

Casper ter Kuile: The Power of Ritual. This was recommended by Seth Mattison on a webinar I listened to a few weeks ago, and is about crafting rituals that promote connection and wellbeing. 

Bill Murphy Jr.: The Intelligent Entrepreneur. This tells the stories of ten Harvard Business School grads who started their own businesses, and how they became super successful. One of them is Marla Malcolm Beck of Bluemercury

What are you reading right now?

Finding the small in the big…

This morning, I did something I have never done before. I got up at 4 am (that’s not it), and instead of immediately getting on email and checking my social media, I read. I read for almost three hours on a workday morning to finish Tiny Hot Dogs by Mary Giuliani in time for Book Club tonight. 

This morning was one of the most peaceful, positive, productive mornings I have had this year. And not because I worked, but because I spent quiet time with a wonderful memoir that made me think. 

I loved this memoir for many reasons, including the recipes mentioned, the story about Lady Lobsters and women’s friendships, and the author’s love of New Orleans. But the part I learned from, the idea that made me stop and think, is on page 72. Giuliani speaks of meeting Bob (aka Robert de Niro) a number of times, as she was dreaming of becoming an actress. Each time, he remembers her and greets her by name: “Mary, nice to see you!” And that’s it. That’s the story. 

This is the paragraph that I underlined and reread four times, the “lesson” she learned from that story (quoted from page 72): 

“We expect that all big stories have a big finale and that the result of meeting someone of this magnitude no doubt will be a life changer. … And this is the biggest lesson my career has taught me. Not everything has to be big. Not everything has to be skywriting. Finding the big in the small works for me and allows me to be happy with what I’ve got. If we all want more from something, aren’t we always going to be disappointed? ‘Making it,’ I’ve come to realize, is all relative.” 

As an ambitious, hardworking, entrepreneur, I always want more, I always want big, I always want bigger. More clients. Big results. Bigger growth. What a calming effect reading these words had on me, as I ponder the wisdom that indeed, not everything has to be big, and that one can find the big in the small if one looks for it. 

As we entered Q4 last week, my mind has of course started to look forward to 2021. What are my big goals for the New Year? What are the big milestones I want to achieve? Tomorrow morning, I will get up equally early, and I will ponder these questions with this newfound idea in mind. And I may just redefine what “making it” looks like to me.

Beauty and Rituals in Unprecedented Times

At Book Club earlier this week, my girlfriends and I started comparing notes about the changes in our beauty routines brought about by COVID-19. Mostly, these changes are “minuses” – we are doing less – and DIYs. We are wearing less (or no) makeup. We are wearing extensions (hair and lash) less. We are washing our hair less frequently. We are doing our own pedicures. We are coloring our own hair. We are no longer wearing heels. After all, we are working from home, we are not attending glamorous events, we are not being photographed out, indeed, some of us are not going out at all. We are being seen by so fewer people, despite constant Zoom calls. 

This conversation led to another one – one about what we do (and continue to do) for ourselves, versus what we do for others. And we identified a number of rituals we are sticking to, even though they are seen by no one other than ourselves. 

Many of us still light fragrant candles in our homes. Not because we are inviting people over, but because we love how they smell and they make us happy. 

One of us still buys fresh flowers for her home on a weekly basis. For her own pleasure. This may be something that I need to start doing… 

One of us continues to buy art for her home, despite not hosting her usual fabulous dinner parties. 

Has your beauty routine changed? And which rituals are you sticking to, even though no one sees them?

A Well-Timed Virtual Book Club

Last night was book club, and the most fun night I have had in weeks. Book club is always a highlight of my month, the last one was “Before”, on March 5th. Last night’s book club was virtual, since we are “During,” and it was a smart, stimulating, emotional evening spent discussing The Only Plane in the Sky, written by Garrett Graff (an amazing thinker, historian, and friend) who was with us virtually. 

For those of you who have not read it, The Only Plane in the Sky is a gut-wrenching, tear-inducing, oral history of 9/11. We picked this book to read, and this date to meet in early 2020, and I must admit the timing seems uncanny. Reading about 9/11 during the COVID-19 global pandemic was both maddening and reassuring. 

This is the time to read this book. Perhaps even the time to share its stories with children who did not live through the events of 9/11 and are of age to understand them. If you prefer to listen rather than to read, the book on tape version won the 2020 Audiobook of the Year Audie Award. 

The most insightful moment of our evening was when Graff spoke about Will Jimeno. William J, “Will” Jimeno was a Port Authority of New York and New Jersey police officer. He was trapped under the World Trade Center for over 12 hours and survived. Today, he spends time coaching and inspiring people include veterans and addicts, helping them work through their hardships. Graff reminded us that in effect, we all go through moments of “I feel like I am buried under the WTC” – whether due to the loss of a job, a bad breakup, the death of a loved one, a global pandemic, and everything in between. 

While today, none of us are actually buried under the WTC, we may very well feel like we are. There is no hierarchy in pain, fear, loss, grief; these feelings cannot be compared or quantified, mine are neither graver nor lighter than yours – they are simply mine. We are each entitled to our own feelings, and should not add the guilt of “I shouldn’t be feeling bad right now because I have a roof on top of my head and food on the table” to the list of negative emotions swirling around in our head and hearts. 

Rather, as Graff reminded us, we should focus on the fact that what defines us is not external events, but how we respond to them. This was my reminder to be resilient, graceful, kind (including with myself), patient (including with myself), and hopeful. 

PS – for those of you not ready to start this book, but interested in reading about Graff’s perspective on what is happening right now, this article is a must-read.